DTPMMALF? - How To Answer AND Get Laid
June 3rd, 2007 Family Life, Humor
There comes a time in every man’s life, when the woman he is involved with asks the dreaded question.
“Do these pants make my ass look fat?”
aka DTPMMALF
Guys tend to be simple creatures with basic needs. Feed us, let us have a place to sleep and some form of entertainment and we usually run at 95% of maximum happiness. Most guys will automatically attempt to answer any question with a one word answer. Unfortunately the only words that spring to mind are either “yes” or “no”.
Answering “yes” is of course a terrible choice. If you can’t figure out why on your own, you’re probably not salvageable as a male. (Also those kids calling you Dad probably aren’t yours either – just a heads up)
Answering “no” is not the relationship suicide that answering “yes” is, but if you watch her face carefully you will not see any enjoyment in hearing a “no” answer. “No” is not the right answer, somehow you have failed.
Occasionally someone will attempt to answer DTPMMALF by neither answering “yes” or “no” and advancing a cautious “maybe” as an answer. The Maybe Gambit does work as an answer, but – and this is important – it works only if you are her girlfriend or a gay friend.
You answering “maybe” just makes you seem completely mentally retarded. You are expected to have strong well formed opinions on the state of her body. Have you been paying attention to her at all?
The other attempted answer is the It’s All In Your Head Defense where the you explain that she is somehow mentally unstable for asking the question. This is the best of the answers so far, but is essentially an insult at heart and drives the two of you a little further apart. Don’t use it.
The Actual Question Being Asked
Having covered what not to answer DTPMMALF with, its time to find out what to answer DTPMMALF with.
Lets break down DTPMMALF into something simple enough for the average guy to understand. When she says,
“Do these pants make my ass look fat?”
You should hear,
“Xx xxxxx xxxxx xxxx xx ass xxxx xxx?”
Removing the verbal clutter, it is summarized to,
“ass?”
The correct response to that question, is your first and natural response. I.e. “yes of course I’d like some ass”. Remember how the “no” answer didn’t please her? See how you screwed that up now?
How You Answer DTPMMALF
Give her your best I’m-a-sly-dog-naughty-boy smile.
Hold the smile and make eye contact for at least 3–5 seconds until she stops whatever she is doing and pays complete attention to you.
Then say…
“I don’t know. I would have to see your ass without the pants.”
Then just wait expectantly, continuing to hold eye contact.
Now What Happens?!?!
One of two things will happen. Either she takes the pants off or she doesn’t. If she takes them off… close the deal. If she doesn’t take them off she should have at least smiled letting you know you answered the question correctly. That means good things will happen to you from her in the near future. Don’t be a twit and blow it.
Warning About Answering DTPMMALF Correctly
Women only ask this question when they are in the fertile part of their monthly cycle.
I’m A Woman and I’m Angry About This Post
Oh my bad… you can buy those jeans in the picture on Amazon.com. The link is here
June 3rd, 2007 at 5:38 pm
Bold post, my friend. I am laughing much hard…and that’s all I have to say about that.
June 3rd, 2007 at 5:52 pm
Oh My.. I am laughing so hard. I would have to bet that this would take the cake for THE boldest posts in history.
I have to say -
“Women only ask this question when they are in the fertile part of their monthly cycle” - is not totally true, … there are other times we ask….
June 3rd, 2007 at 5:59 pm
I swear to G-d, are you trying to get me divorced and/or shot at this point? You’re baiting me. You know you’re baiting me. You miserable woolen bastard.
June 3rd, 2007 at 6:02 pm
[...] DTPMMALF - How to Answer [...]
June 3rd, 2007 at 6:16 pm
Well this post sure beats that market report I had planned doesn’t it.
/blows a kiss to April
Hi Christine! Wow it’s been a while it seems. I agree that it may not be totally true, but if the man answered DTPMMALF correctly, then the woman would learn what asking DTPMMALF would get her, and she would stop asking the question during that time of the month. So either way, problem solved.
June 3rd, 2007 at 6:17 pm
Jonathan I’m crying with laughter with that comment.
Miserable Woolen Bastard. I’m seriously crying.
June 3rd, 2007 at 7:00 pm
My laptop screen is now cleaner than it’s been in quite awhile.
Wool Face strikes again! (Though I gotta say, I much prefer Miserable Woolen Bastard. Thanks for that one Jonathan.
June 3rd, 2007 at 11:15 pm
Oh dear Lord this may be the best post I’ve ever read. I’ve been trying to figure out how to answer the DTPMMALF question for *years*.
And Christine *really* needs to stop back by and enlighten us on the other times this question is posed.
Miserable Woolen Bastard… that alone was worth the price of admission. You shall, from here on out, be referred to as “MWB”….
June 4th, 2007 at 6:25 am
I don’t want to comment too much on this post as my wife is likely to read it and it would be the last post I ever commented on…
June 4th, 2007 at 6:46 am
Don’t be shy Chris. This is not something you can flinch on. Send her over here, then dare her to ask you DTPMMALF?
June 4th, 2007 at 6:51 am
In my house, it’s “TPMMALGDT?!!” (these pants make my ass look great, don’t they!?!)- gym time and a lack of self esteem issues are abundant here
Great article, Athol. Wildly off topic, but great nonetheless!
June 4th, 2007 at 6:56 am
Off topic?
/sly dog smile
June 4th, 2007 at 7:51 am
… taped this one to my fridge …
June 4th, 2007 at 1:51 pm
I feel compelled to comment on this somehow, but I am now distracted and paranoid about how my ass looks in these pants. It never occurred to me to ask, much less to ask my husband, especially if I wanted a real answer.
June 4th, 2007 at 3:51 pm
Kelley, I dare you to try on a pair of pants, look all pouty and ask your husband DTPMMALF.
Just enjoy the look of panic in his eyes. (Assuming he didn’t read this post of course)
Unless of course you want an unbaised opinion…
June 4th, 2007 at 4:14 pm
Easy there, kiwi!
June 5th, 2007 at 6:09 am
Too funny. I make sure to try and not ask these questions to my husband. He always rolls his eyes and just looks at me, until I have to just laugh and give up. I think you are right about the timing of the month these questions arise.
June 5th, 2007 at 6:15 am
Oh dear Jennifer, sounds like your husband is using the It’s All In Your Head Defense. Please have him read this post. Once he understands DTPMMALF is actually a mating call, he’ll look forward to you asking.
Thanks for your comment!
June 5th, 2007 at 7:07 am
[edit: moved this comment here] from Brian Brady
The Bawld Guy and I were at a RE.net function in Del Mar when he mentioned this post to me. He told me how perfect it was and I wouldn’t let him tell me the answer so I could read it on my own.
I love the answer.
June 5th, 2007 at 7:12 am
LOL people are actually talking about this post.
June 5th, 2007 at 7:57 am
the wife is asking why I’m laughing so hard…I don’t know if I want to share it…it worked…now she’s laughing.
June 5th, 2007 at 9:25 am
VICTORY IS MINE!
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you Keith.
I told you guys it would work. Thanks for being brave and letting us know it did.
Anyone else?
June 7th, 2007 at 6:11 pm
This is one bold and funny post! After I stopped laughing my wife came over and ready it. After she stopped laughing, she asked me if DTPMMALF.
June 7th, 2007 at 6:28 pm
Thanks Tony
June 25th, 2007 at 6:19 pm
[...] Yes I am a “Miserable Woolen Bastard” as my dear friend Jonathan Dalton put it. [...]
April 18th, 2008 at 3:17 am
[...] DTPMMALF – How To Answer AND Get Laid [...]
April 27th, 2008 at 12:31 am
[...] Blog awards me the 2007 Humdinger Award for Funniest Blog Post on the RE.net for my infamous DTPMMALF post. In all honesty, I have no idea why I wrote it, I wasn’t even trying to be particularly [...]